Monday, June 12, 2006

cursors

I have a blinking cursor this morning. It’s annoying actually. I’ve never really thought about it until this morning. This morning I’m sitting back in my seat of first choice, by the window on the beach at Starbucks. All seems to be right with the world again except for this annoying blinking cursor. I must have been sitting here for awhile, at least through the first half of a Rascal Flatts CD that’s playing on my laptop. I’m waiting, watching, thinking, anticipating some type of inspiration that will cause my cursor to move across the screen. But it was just sitting there blinking as if to be repeating “You’ve got nothing”. And this was becoming very annoying, because truthfully, I had nothing. I didn’t appreciate being reminded of it though. Not many of us like to be reminded that we’re lacking, we’re falling short or we’re not fulfilling some greater task. I am very capable of knowing when I’ve got nothing. Anyway, the cursor was blinking, as if counting down some unseen clock that would eventually signal that time was up. I had used up my allotment of time to contribute something of significance to the world. It was as if the annoying Jeopardy tune was playing in the background waiting for me to scribble an answer that would validate my existence. Meanwhile, a cell phone dependent young girl droned on endlessly through multiple calls to no one about nothing in particular. Talk about meaningless existence I thought. But yet this stupid cursor keeps blinking and asking, “so what have you got?” At least she had someone on the other end. You may have seen “You’ve Got Mail”, well this morning I was enjoying “You’ve Got Nothing” blinking endlessly on my screen.
So I did the only thing I know to get rid of that annoying cursor, short of shutting it down. I began to type. Then things got worse. The cursor moved, but every time I stop typing the stupid thing starts blinking again at the very end of the last word I typed. It’s as if what I just typed wasn’t enough. It’s Oliver asking “Please Sir, can I have some more?” every time my fingers cease. I’m following this stupid thing across my screen in an endless pursuit of accomplishment that I fear is never going to come. Every pause demands more. I try punctuation, still blinking. I exaggerate my punctuation to an exclamation, still blinking. I plead with a question mark, “What more do you want from me stupid little blinking line?” And still it blinks as if I ought to already know the answer.
And then it hits me….this is how I spend most of my time. It may not always be in front of this laptop, but there’s always something blinking in front of me. There always seems to be a cursor of some sort, taunting me, leading me like a donkey with a carrot. Maybe the donkey image ought to give me a good visual on my life. Why am I always pursuing something that can never be satisfied? Why can’t I just be? I don’t think that life should be merely about doing, it ought to be more about being. I have a profession where leading is a key to fulfilling my calling. I can’t lead without at least some wanting to follow. I’m not dragging, I’m leading. But leading implies following and following is a decision of the heart. It seems to be much harder to lead lately. It makes sense really as I watch this annoying black line flash on my screen. No one needs another cursor to chase across their life’s page. Have I become another cursor? I am looking at the mountains reflecting the morning sun and His amazing creative ability being reflected to all who take the time to see. What character of His is my life reflecting? Am I giving the impression that faith is merely another cursor to be pursued across the screen? Maybe resting in one place, simply resting in being would be a more attractive place to be. Probably resting in His being would be the best thing for everyone involved. Quite possibly, the best way to get rid of this thing would be to turn it off. I think I’ll try it

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