Monday, February 12, 2007

one hundred

This is one hundred ! I’ve been waiting for this day for weeks now, counting down. It actually began when it hit ninety and then I realized that one hundred was possible. I’m referring to the number of posts that I’ve made to this cyber page. It’s amazing really. Maybe not for anyone who is reading this stuff, but for the one writing it…this is a monumental day. It’s so big for me that I am sitting here amidst the caffeine even though a weekend battle with a bathroom remodel has left my back quite limited in its ability to withstand these tiny little caffeine people chairs. It was implied at home that, perhaps, I should delay this post. I don’t think so.
I took an opportunity this past week to read through some of this wandering nonsense from the past two years. It was a very humbling experience. If you know me, then you know that this fits with my examination, both in life and profession, of humility over the past several weeks. God seems to have a way with teaching me “by immersion”. These are never isolated lessons He’s showing me. I’m always immersed in whatever I’m supposed to be learning. It comes with being a block head and a slow learner I guess. He’s the master teacher and he works with what He’s got to work with. Anyway, as I was saying (or writing) it has been another lesson in humility. To be sure, there are some things of value. However, looking back on some of them I seem to have forgotten the context in which they were shared and they don’t seem to mean as much as they did at the time. At least I tell myself that. It couldn’t be that I really wasn’t as accomplished as I thought I was.
I have a hard time really comprehending that I actually have had one hundred things to write about. Actually, I probably didn’t. I just used my “preacher” skills acquired over the years to “stretch” some issues. It’s been a process, these one hundred entries. I began by just writing some things as a form of therapy for my own relaxation and enjoyment. I know it’s bizarre to some, but I actually enjoy writing. After a time, I began to realize that some of it was actually being seen by some others and my motivation began to creep, ever so slowly, towards a subconscious teaching experience. I began to imagine that I could actually impart some type of understanding of some observations through my own imagination and exploration. It doesn’t take a genius to decide that real teaching involves two way communication, so after a time in that illusion, I began to think that I was really only talking to myself for the most part, kind of schizophrenic in nature. At this point, I ignored who may be reading this and focused inward again, and the cycle began all over again.
Through it all I have decided, after one hundred posts, that I get more out of writing this than reading it. I had always considered life as a writer and this has been a disciplined way of investigating whether or not God has a plan for me that way or not. The discipline has been the best part though. I began this journey ninety nine posts ago, with no plan except to write. All of a sudden, nearly without warning, here I am at the century mark. Its quite remarkable. Its very satisfying to see what can happen when you put your head down and move forward. It gives me hope that I can transfer the same discipline to my spiritual journey. I know that God has greater plans for the depth of my pursuit than I began with. I am certainly farther than I was then, but when I look to all I could be it becomes an almost overwhelming task. There are so many areas to grow in. There are so many things I still don’t understand and so many ways in which I still fail miserably. But this life lesson that I’m being led through here in cyberspace has taught me patience and perseverance. If you had asked me to put together this many coherent pages of observations and thoughts with any type of emotional investment, I’d have thrown out the laptop and run screaming into the fog. But two years ago I put my head down with the purpose of writing, one post at a time, and here I am today. I’m one hundred.

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