Friday, August 19, 2011

Happy

Yesterday marked the celebration of 27 years that I have been privileged to be connected with someone who really knows how to live a journey. For a good share of the day we were wished "happy" anniversary from various friends across the country. It was a good day. It was actually a "happy" day. It wasn't a blow out celebration that we have enjoyed some years. It didn't cost a great deal of money. It was just two people enjoying the journey and some simple pleasures that we have come to appreciate during within the chapter of our lives known as the Seattle years.
This morning, as I look back on the day and the years, I am contemplating the idea of "happy". I wonder, when we offer it, if it represents the idea of simply enjoying a day, or does it reflect more than that. We say happy birthday and I have to imagine that, for the most part, it means celebrate the day. Have your cake and eat it too. I know that, speaking for myself, I am not really happy that another year has passed and another years worth of crap is clogging my arteries. It is an occasion that I'd rather be looking backwards than forwards. My back hurts, my arms hurt, my knees hurt, happy birthday! I'm one year closer to dirt...or ashes. But an anniversary...that, for me, is a time to look forward.
It is when I look in a mirror and wonder how someone who looks like her could ever find someone like me desirable. Then I feel as if I just won a free pass and I determine in my heart to do a better job of making sure that she finds me desirable. I start thinking about the gym ... I said thinking... And I start thinking about my clothes, and my manners and my attitudes, and I determine to do better. I want to look forward, to the celebration next year, to feel like I, in some way, deserve someone like her. This past year may have been her year of benevolent love for the somewhat unlovable. I don't want to tempt fate a second time.

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