Wednesday, November 26, 2008

twenty five

Words aren’t coming very regularly these last few weeks. Even these ones have been stopped and started and deleted and continued several times this morning. I guess that I could come up with all kinds of excuses. Most of them might even be legitimate. I’m still not back to any kind of routine after my wife’s surgery. I thought about trying Starbucks this morning. I haven’t even been to the beach except for a brief drive by to get her some fresh air. At this point, I’m just being the over-protective husband. She’s much more independent. But I’ll give it one more week. Grad school has been draining during this time of schedule juggling, and we all know how important my schedule is. I haven’t really had one for three weeks now and that’s been an adjustment. Things have even been far from normal in my community o’ faith. So if I wanted to, I could find an excuse here or there. I just don’t want to….find an excuse I mean.
I don’t even want to write to be honest. Today is a discipline day for me. I just have to suck it up and do it for my own good. It’s like the 25 minute mark for me on the treadmill. When I get to 25 minutes I have an overwhelming desire to press “stop” to end that workout. After all, who’s going to know? It’s not like I’m getting anywhere anyway. The thing is though, when I began the workout, I programmed 30 minutes for a reason. I always forget just what that reason was at about the 25 minute mark. So far I have resisted the urge to press “stop” before the finish. I could also just fall down and let the “clip on” safety switch do its thing and stop the work out for me. I’ve resisted that urge also. In the end, deep in my soul I know that the last 5 minutes will benefit me in ways I probably won’t see until later on. It’s the last 5 that really matter. It’s those moments that you have to find inspiration from somewhere deeper than “how you feel”.
This morning I’m at the 25 minute mark. I don’t want to even write anything. I’m fresh out of inspiration for the journey at the moment. I don’t have any big corporate giants to whine about. I haven’t been around the public much to make any observations or smart ass comments. Spiritual inspiration has been on reserve and what I have has been channeled to leading my community o’ faith.
Don’t cry for me though….whatever. I have plenty to be thankful for this season of thanks. I have a wonderfully resilient wife who has not whined even once during this recovery process. She’ll be wheeling around the kitchen today and tomorrow, with only one good leg, performing the culinary wizardry that keeps me looking forward to this day each year. I am exceedingly proud of my kids and the choices that they’re making as adults which I might have had a hard time imagining during their teen years.
So , even though I don’t really feel like it, with the 25 minute mark telling me that I could call it a day, I’ll do what I’ve always been able to do at this point. I’ll choose to look deeper and press on. I’ll write even when I don’t want to, knowing that, somewhere down the road, I’ll see the benefit of not giving in.

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