Friday, September 23, 2005

plans

I'm a very scheduled person. Even my writing is becoming more and more scheduled. In fact I'm only writing this at the moment because, when I checked the date of my last post, I realized that "it was really time for another". One a week? I call that scheduled. I'm interested to see how this turns out at the end. Writing, like anything else creative, should never, in my opinion, be scheduled. It ought to be inspired. That's why I don't pursue my artistic tendencies. I was a photographer once, but lighting and backgrounds and such don't lend themselves all that well to schedule. I was a painter once. Same thing, schedule and inspiration don't mix. Neither do inspiration and a self critical spirit, but that's for another counseling session. So I have many "works" tucked away where only I can still see. Bringing them out in public only encourages people to try to get me back into inspirational mode, which again conflicts with my scheduled nature, which then drives them back underground. It's a viscious circle. Alright, it's not really viscious, but it's a circle that I don't care to continually repeat. I have found something interesting about my schedules though. I can alter them at a whim and I'm just fine with it. As long as no one else is altering it. When my schedule get's altered by others, my heart races, my palms sweat, my thinking becomes unclear and I can get, well...., agitated. My family says irrational, but I think that is an overstatement. Anyway, the point is I am driven by schedule, and I find myself increasingly more in conflict with my attempt at living by faith. God never works on a schedule. Unless you consider that "to Him a day is like a thousand years" statement in the Bible. That's not very encouraging to me. In fact I know many people who live by that schedule. It drives me crazy. My problem is that I want to be led, I want to rely, I want to have faith in His direction for my life, but I keep crashing into time. Time is precious to me. Why is it that I always get in the slowest express lane? Why is it that my kid always needs to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night? Why is it that I always miss the traffic bulletin that warns me of the major backup? Ok, it's not always, it just seems like that to someone who is driven by time. Anyway, I want to live a life in someone else's hands but not their schedule. It's because I have a plan. I have a plan and I've figured out it's time element to succeed and I can't let it go. God has a plan for me. "For I know the plans I have for you" He tells me in Psalms. I know all that. I'm sure that His plan is infinitely better than my plan. I'd like to say that this knowledge gives me comfort. That's the PC preacher thing for me to say. It doesn't. I still struggle. I want my inspiration. I want my schedule. I want my plan back.....sometimes.